I haven't been writing much. I suppose because most days I feel like I'm drowning and don't have anything to write that people would want to read.
My life is filled with minutiae and drudgery.
Clean the nasty bathrooms.
Try unsuccessfully to feed my children.
Pick my children's food off the floor.
Do the dishes.
Do the laundry.
Clean the crud off the counter.
Reorganize my kitchen cupboards after the last time my husband was in there.
Endure tantrums I am unable to diffuse.
Hold one child while the other screams.
Hold the other child while the first one screams.
Hold them simultaneously while they both scream.
Fail to make dinner because I once again didn't make it to the grocery store because shopping with two tiny kids is impossible and frustrating.
Get a migraine.
Put my kids in front of Blue's Clues so I can have 30 minutes of peace.
Try not to scream.
Try not to yell.
Try not to cry.
What gives me hope is knowing that this is the hardest time in my life and that it won't last forever. When it is over and my children are grown I will miss it and long for these years back.
I recently came across a quote by the author Anna Quindlen, and I tell you, this is going to be my personal mission statement.
The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.
Treasure the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.
I desperately want to be a fun and nurturing mother. I want to enjoy my children. I want to look back on every day with satisfaction that I did my best. I know I'll never be perfect, but I want to simply love my life.
And I do. I already do.
I am immensely happy with my life. I'm just not happy with myself.